forwarded by Wendy Scafa at FCCemail@comcast.net
via fcc-dv 11/6/05 and
FCC-NY
Miss Manners adoption column
Thought this would be of interest to everyone:
Wendy Scafa at FCCemail@comcast.net
Dear Miss Manners,
As an adoptive mother of 3 girls from China I get a number of
questions. Most are from people honestly interested in our family and
I don't mind answering them if they are polite.
One of my daughters has a repaired cleft lip and her scar is quite
noticable. I get a lot of rude questions but the worst is " Did you
get a discount on that one?" or "Was she less expensive than the other
girls?" An honest answer doesn't seem appropriate because while our
adoption agency does give us a break on fees when we adopt special
needs children - I have more than one but her medical issue isn't
visible to the casual observer - I'm not comfortable explaining that
in front of my children.
The first couple of times that I was asked this question my jaw
dropped and I just stared at the person in horror. The thing is that
if I thought someone was genuinely interested I would ask to speak
with them at another time, but that never seemes to be the case nor
does it validate my daughter which is what my real concern is.
How can I give an appropriate answer that doesn't embarrass my child
and gives some real information? To me my daughter is priceless, is
simply telling people that too cliche?
Jennifer Hope
THE SOUNDS OF SILENCE
Sunday, November 6, 2005; Page D06
That children are not physical replicas of their parents is a fact of
nature that dumbfounds many people. Apparently, they were taught that
children are normally a result of cloning. Recessive genes, adoption,
stepfamilies and mixed marriages are novel concepts that spin them
into a frenzy of investigation.
"How come he looks nothing like you?"
"Where did the red hair come from?"
"Are you the real mother?"
"Are they by different fathers?"
If, by this method, inquiring mouths are able to find out that the
child was adopted or has gay parents, it opens a whole new line of
questioning.
"Where did you get her?"
"Did you use donated sperm?"
"Couldn't you have children of your own?"
"Why didn't his real parents want him?"
"How do you know what might show up in her later?"
"Did you mix your sperm?"
"Are they real siblings?"
"How much did he cost?"
Sperm is not considered a social topic, Miss Manners regrets to inform
them. They seem to be unfamiliar with the only acceptable comment to
make to a parent, which is, "Oh, what an adorable child!"
Speaking of whom, the child is right there while being spoken about.
Thus the parent who is asked impertinent questions has a triple
etiquette problem: How to stop this insulting nosiness, how to keep it
from upsetting the child and how to teach the child to deal with the
same problem on his own, presuming that the rude are forever among us.
Flinging back a rude retort and accusing the questioner of rudeness
would sabotage all of these goals, even if doing so was not against
Miss Manners's rules, which it most certainly is. The squabble would
embarrass the child, teach that rudeness is permissible as long as
someone else started it and fail to produce defeat. You really do not
want to hear the particulars of what the child's appearance and
provenance suggest to someone not inhibited by manners. Even less do
you want the child to hear them.
There are reams of jokey answers possible. One could also denounce the
use of "real" in regard to actual children and relationships. And
there is always: "Why do you want to know?"
But Miss Manners has never thought it a good idea to continue
conversations with people who have just finished demonstrating their
insensitivity. Not only does it encourage them to expand on their
offensive themes, but it also leaves the subject of the conversation
squirming. Even a child too young to understand will register from the
parent's tone that he strikes outsiders as peculiar and therefore
needs to be defended.
Miss Manners prefers silence -- but the right sort of silence. You may
not have known that there is a whole vocabulary of silences, but there is.
For dumb remarks and questions, such as the ones about red hair or the
lack of resemblance, the silence comes with a tired smile. Only the
lips move, and not to the extent that the cheeks also move. The notion
to convey is that having discharged an utterance that is not worth
commenting upon, the other person is now expected to say something
sensible.
Nasty questions about how a child was conceived or adopted should meet
another type of silence. The face should not move from a stare that
demonstrates unwillingness to believe that anyone would say such a
thing. It is the feet that move after the barest of excuses. To be
quizzed about such personal matters is insulting, and people who do it
do not deserve to be tolerated, much less answered.
The answer that is needed is for a child who then inquires what
happened. That is not the time to explain the child's circumstances
and the fact that the parent is happy and proud. It is the time to
explain that there are a lot of nosy and rude people in the world who
will use any excuse to probe others and that they do not deserve to be
satisfied.
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